What if..

What if we dreamed things happened in our lives instead of experiencing them in real life? We would feel the same emotions, but only for a short period of time. What if we didn't have to endure any pain or sadness for months at a time but only for a night, or maybe a day. Cathartic dreaming.

It's not that experiences aren't crucial in our lives, but the little things that pass and cause that long but short term emotional struggle, we can surely do without. When I asked for time, I didn't get that time. I got the time that was allotted to me by someone else. It's as if I don't have a choice in my own life.

This whole making everyone happy thing is really annoying. Of course I don't bring myself to do such a thing for everyone, but for some people you can't help but care for, all you want to do is make them happy. In a sense, it's selfish to say, but where's my happiness? I think it's an uncertainty we all have to go through. I blame it on S.A.D. for my case, but who knows. Why is it people rely on me so heavily but I can't do the same for them? Am I committing myself to people that aren't worth my time? Why is it that I care so much?

I feel like I can't rely on anyone anymore. Even my closest friend is the furthest away from me. They may know some intimate secrets, but what else? No one cares to dig deeper, not even with just me, but their other friends. How does this 'best friend' or 'boyfriend' bond work? How do people have relationships of any sort, really?

I wish it were easier - just to feel the emotions for one day, then forget about it the next. That's all I hope for. That's all I want. I still feel the same emotions for certain people - some old friends, some lost friends. But it takes more than a day to move forward and it's such a struggle trying to overcome it.

I need to escape somewhere by myself and reflect on everything that's happened... and everything that will happen. I need to reevaluate my life and where I'm taking myself.

“Nothing” Happened Between Us?

Jan. 4, 2012

By Johanna de Silentio

So last night you came over to make the really grand gesture of telling me nothing happened between us. Nothing. Like, the complete absence of something. Hey bro, seems like if that was true you wouldn’t need to mention it, but thats just me. I guess I never realized what a strong word that was before though. Not one little thing. Like a black hole that just sucks any feelings away.

I’m not a completely crazy person. I understand that you were not my boyfriend. Not even a little bit. Not even close to a little bit. We were not star-crossed lovers. We weren’t going to fall in love in the last frame and make love to a movie montage. I freaking get it already, but there’s a difference between running off into the sunset together and ‘nothing.’

This is about feminism, Platonism and our culture’s stupid Aristotellian bias. We think of things that are physical or quantifiable as ‘real’ but ethereal things — emotions, relationships, ‘feelings,’ — those are thought of as feminine and are of little consequence in decision making. Just because something can’t be seen or touched or counted, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.

We didn’t date for three months. If something like that had happened, you would be okay with me having some kind of feelings for you. But because you denied me a label, you think you’re withholding your permission for me to feel emotions about you. What happened was, I felt like you were a good person. What happened was, I met your family and it was like no one had ever told them their son was really great before. And they reminded me of my family. What happened was, you kissed each of my fingers one time when I was falling asleep. What happened was, you asked me to be around you all the time because it made you happier. But, that’s nothing, isn’t it.

I’m not asking for a statue to be built in memory of this fleeting flirtation. I’m just asking for you to not tell me that I imagined it. Let it be okay to think something little was really great.

confused.

Being a girl definitely has it's ups and downs. Here I thought I could be strong headed and stubborn as I'd always been in my entire life, but no. Now, things have changed and I feel vulnerable. Stupid vulnerable like I'd never felt before. How can a few small events change such a huge part of who I am?

I had my happy balance before and all I want is it back. Stop messing with my head. Stop it. Someone just needs to tell me how this all ends.

I love where I am right now. My weekends have been enjoyable and my friends have kept me sane through all of my work stress. My promotion helped alleviate some of my qualms toward my job, but there's still this lingering change that I don't fully understand. I want it to go away but I don't. Maybe I should just let it ride and see where this vulnerability goes. But if I go completely soft, I expect someone to punch me in my face. Bene? Bene.

transcendence.

Like most women when they read "Eat, Pray, Love" (or at least I'm assuming), I feel the ultimate need to become more worldly and less focused on the "decays and depressions" of the physical life. I want to evolve and alleviate my thoughts into some ethereal place where my thoughts of being peaceful and devoid of any harm can carry me through my life in the most zen-like manner.

I've been evaluating the things that have crossed my path in the past few months. Although there were good times, I seem to focus only on my failures - always brooding on why my life cannot be one hundred percent of the time completely free of temptation and pain. But ah, thus is life. Right? I need to find a way to accept this pain, that I so willingly feed on, and turn it into some kind of good chakra to carry me to my ultimate goal of transcendence. BE MORE WORLDLY YOU DUMB GIRL, BE MORE UNDERSTANDING.

Is this something I'm just saying because I'm reading this book? Yes, that is quite possible. But somewhere deep down inside is some part of me trying to create this ultimate life balance.

Is this happening because those astrologists told me I'm no longer a Gemini anymore? Because I still feel like two crazy people inside. Forever and always a Gemini.

Rethink the Possibilities.

How does one embrace everything they have?

I am a very lucky person but I absolutely do not know how to appreciate what I have. I always want more. Is this ambition or greed?

How do I be ambitious without being too greedy?