Purgatory.

So, I'm in that awkward time between graduation and finding a job. At first, I thought it wouldn't be too much of a problem as long as my parents respected my space and encourage me to keep looking for a job. I always think the best of them. I fail in that field. Things are just not going well. There was a reason I was so unhappy in New Jersey and now I've figured out why. You know how families are supposed to be supportive and close and love you? Our family is the Asian WASP family. There is no acknowledging problems and whatever you do is your own business. What happens happens. And if you have a problem, too bad.

So, I got rejected from a few...well more than a few positions. After I reached the final round of interviews and the waiting period of either yes or no, they always end up with another person. I don't understand. I thought the whole process of going through various interviews would help me, I guess not. It's just really disappointing. Debbie Downer is in full effect. I've never really been rejected my whole life, and now, it's just a flood of them. It's breaking my heart and it's not even a man. I just want to be successful, but I can't even get my foot in the door. Internships were a breeze. People said it was more difficult to get an internship than a job. For me, it's the opposite. It's always the opposite! Whenever I think I do well on a test, I fail, whenever I think I did well in an interview, I did terrible, what I think is acceptable in attire, is not. Does my luck or my mind even care about my future? I swear. I am never lucky. Except when it comes to Broadway Rush tickets. Too bad, because I wrote that, I'll probably never win one again. A few interns I worked with last semester with less experience in the working field secured jobs in the fields I was looking for. They got jobs at networks I didn't look at, but they still got positions. I'm no where. I thought working hard would get me somewhere. Should I regret that? I don't even know what to do anymore.

My friend brought over her motorcycle today. All I want to do is get one and drive as far as I possible can. That's all I want. Seriously. No job thinks I'm qualified so why should I think I am? Friends keep telling me to get a retail job like it's okay. They wouldn't even stoop to that level and they expect me to? What are you thinking? You think I can support myself working a retail job? I'd still have to live at home. I'd be miserable at work and at home. It leads to suicide. That's what I'm thinking about right now. Just never in the mood to do anything anymore. I keep trying to keep this happy facade for the employers, but it just gets to the point where I can't even do it anymore.

Kill me now. This is what purgatory feels like right? I don't want to be here.