What if..

What if we dreamed things happened in our lives instead of experiencing them in real life? We would feel the same emotions, but only for a short period of time. What if we didn't have to endure any pain or sadness for months at a time but only for a night, or maybe a day. Cathartic dreaming.

It's not that experiences aren't crucial in our lives, but the little things that pass and cause that long but short term emotional struggle, we can surely do without. When I asked for time, I didn't get that time. I got the time that was allotted to me by someone else. It's as if I don't have a choice in my own life.

This whole making everyone happy thing is really annoying. Of course I don't bring myself to do such a thing for everyone, but for some people you can't help but care for, all you want to do is make them happy. In a sense, it's selfish to say, but where's my happiness? I think it's an uncertainty we all have to go through. I blame it on S.A.D. for my case, but who knows. Why is it people rely on me so heavily but I can't do the same for them? Am I committing myself to people that aren't worth my time? Why is it that I care so much?

I feel like I can't rely on anyone anymore. Even my closest friend is the furthest away from me. They may know some intimate secrets, but what else? No one cares to dig deeper, not even with just me, but their other friends. How does this 'best friend' or 'boyfriend' bond work? How do people have relationships of any sort, really?

I wish it were easier - just to feel the emotions for one day, then forget about it the next. That's all I hope for. That's all I want. I still feel the same emotions for certain people - some old friends, some lost friends. But it takes more than a day to move forward and it's such a struggle trying to overcome it.

I need to escape somewhere by myself and reflect on everything that's happened... and everything that will happen. I need to reevaluate my life and where I'm taking myself.