confused.

Being a girl definitely has it's ups and downs. Here I thought I could be strong headed and stubborn as I'd always been in my entire life, but no. Now, things have changed and I feel vulnerable. Stupid vulnerable like I'd never felt before. How can a few small events change such a huge part of who I am?

I had my happy balance before and all I want is it back. Stop messing with my head. Stop it. Someone just needs to tell me how this all ends.

I love where I am right now. My weekends have been enjoyable and my friends have kept me sane through all of my work stress. My promotion helped alleviate some of my qualms toward my job, but there's still this lingering change that I don't fully understand. I want it to go away but I don't. Maybe I should just let it ride and see where this vulnerability goes. But if I go completely soft, I expect someone to punch me in my face. Bene? Bene.

transcendence.

Like most women when they read "Eat, Pray, Love" (or at least I'm assuming), I feel the ultimate need to become more worldly and less focused on the "decays and depressions" of the physical life. I want to evolve and alleviate my thoughts into some ethereal place where my thoughts of being peaceful and devoid of any harm can carry me through my life in the most zen-like manner.

I've been evaluating the things that have crossed my path in the past few months. Although there were good times, I seem to focus only on my failures - always brooding on why my life cannot be one hundred percent of the time completely free of temptation and pain. But ah, thus is life. Right? I need to find a way to accept this pain, that I so willingly feed on, and turn it into some kind of good chakra to carry me to my ultimate goal of transcendence. BE MORE WORLDLY YOU DUMB GIRL, BE MORE UNDERSTANDING.

Is this something I'm just saying because I'm reading this book? Yes, that is quite possible. But somewhere deep down inside is some part of me trying to create this ultimate life balance.

Is this happening because those astrologists told me I'm no longer a Gemini anymore? Because I still feel like two crazy people inside. Forever and always a Gemini.

Rethink the Possibilities.

How does one embrace everything they have?

I am a very lucky person but I absolutely do not know how to appreciate what I have. I always want more. Is this ambition or greed?

How do I be ambitious without being too greedy?

IT WORKED.

I guess complaining worked to some extent because I have a job and an apartment now. This is awesome. Maybe if I complain about other things, it will work the same way? I lie. This was after maybe more than a handful of practice/real interviews. It paid off. I started Monday, so far, lost and confused. But, I'm sure I'll pick it up. Or I hope so!

My friend and I found an apartment in an up and coming area in Brooklyn. It's on a nice street and well, the apartment isn't bad at all. I don't know how if our application will go through, but we'll see soon enough.

Just wanted to update because my last one was just whiny. Awesome.

Move on out.

Can someone please help me find a job so I can start my career and get out of this place?

I swear, the longer I stay, the worse it gets. That's why people do not live at home, especially in a place where the house is definitely, not a home. Instead it's an infested place that's perfect for breeding passive aggressive nonsensical anger. My siblings are both the same, both are present hedonistic people who do not like to think about their future. They think now is forever, but if you're going to grow up, you need to think about the future. The only way to move forward if to plan for the future. Yes, we all want to "be children" forever. Or do we? Is it because we have no responsibilities? Because we mooch off our parents? Because we don't have to move forward with out lives? Are people not just the least bit curious of what they could be? What they can work toward? How do you think Steve Jobs became who he was? How did new technologies evolve? Why are we so aware of social responsibility and environmentally friendly companies? Passion drives us to our futures, to ensuring our future lives will be better. If we all focus on the now, there will be no tomorrow.

Don't throw that "I could die any second" bull to me, because I know life is short. We can make the most of our lives now even if we think toward the future. It's called being spontaneous, that's what playing hooky is for. I'm not asking for them to plan each day of their lives, I'm asking them to set a goal and be responsible about it. My parents won't be alive forever, but they don't care. They think they'll live well forever. You know, at my brother's age I was thinking about where I was going to go to school, how I should study for my SATs, what do I like doing, who do I want to be when I grow up? My brother focuses on getting a girlfriend, porn, and his "friends." His friends who use my family's money to throw themselves parties and wreck our basement. Friends who think drinking and driving are cool. Friends that ignore him when he has problems to discuss. Yes, those friends. He, well not he entirely, my sister as well are going to drive this family into the dark hole of bankruptcy - of morality and wealth.

I need a job to be able to support myself when all of this happens. In about 2 years. So I need a job now to save up and run away.