Uninterested.

I reread my last post and thought, how childish. I just seem to be ranting about something that doesn't even matter. Well, school and classes do matter, but the latter, meant absolutely nothing. I sounded like a 5 year old who didn't get what she wanted. What a failure in a post.

So being that this is a night off from reading and work (because I'm postponing it until tomorrow) I thought I could write something a little more interesting and less puerile.

Let's talk about love and relationships because it seems to me that people think I really want one or am supposed to have one. If you think about love, the first thing that comes to mind is, man and wife, no? Man and woman, man and man, woman and woman.

Family isn't the first thing you would think of, unless you're 8 years or younger. Neither is anything else you may generally 'love.' It's become a word so useless that we can't even define what it is. So, people implicate that love is something to want, something I should want. First of all, since when is it other people's business if I want love or not? Second of all, let's clarify that I do not want a relationship because of personal reasons. No, I am not a lesbian.

It's possible to love other things, right? I absolutely love my dog. That's love. Affection. Generic. I also love being alone, I love eating good food, I love laughing until I cry. That's love. But how would you describe it? You tell me. Because apparently, relationships and marriage are the only part of love to some shallow small townspeople of the world. Now I'm confused. Can we say love is even important anymore? I personally don't think so. Love [alright, insert seems instead of is] is nothing but a cultivation of what Hollywood and fictions novels have created. People who search for love, who live in the psyche of Hollywood films, are doomed for the rest of their lives. Love isn't the only thing that one looks forward to in life. If you think about it, love comes in many ways - not just relationships and marriage. I think it's nothing more than a societal acceptance that says you are one of them, we accept you as 'normal.' You fell and love and got married. People who get divorced are even worse. They gave in to this theory of 'true love' and 'finding love' but in the end, they didn't love at all.

I've been told I haven't fallen in love. Yes, I haven't. But has anyone? Puppy love and short term high school relationships don't count. I know of one couple from high school who have been together for about 8 years now. I applaud them. But I wonder if they still love each other, maybe they've just gotten comfortable. Secondly, they say I don't know anything about it because I haven't fallen in love. Wrong. I've had feelings yes and I know how it feels to be hurt or never want to upset another person - but no, I've never been in love. It's a word I threw around shamelessly because I didn't know what it was. But, I realized when what we both did didn't coincide and the relationship we had was nothing but a label that gave us some sort of status with each other. Oh, and sexual tension is nothing but Freudian primary instincts of mating and sex. Everyone has these hormones and it's okay. It happens to be natural, but that's a whole other post about the ways of control.

Don't get me wrong, if I ever find a connection with someone and we ever have the idea of getting married, I would. In some sense, I would like to be a part of the married world. Although, I do believe it won't last long. It'll just be something I've done. I know a relationship built on love will come in the long run but me being so young, I don't want to go searching for it. I have my whole life ahead of me and I love living and adventure more than I care to search and be in love. In youth, we shouldn't spend time wasting it on other people who, in the end, will probably leave. I'm not saying don't have a relationship. Go, have one. Just don't focus all your energy on that relationship. Keep it simple, keep it to be something that you'll enjoy at the moment and laugh about in the future.

I've been spinning. This idea of love still ever so confusing and stupid. It makes people depressed, crazy, obsessed, it freaks me out and makes me angry. If I get any discussions over lunch or dinner about love being all about 'finding your other,' I swear I will fight you to the death to prove that you are wrong.