anger.

I have this problem, you see. It's called anger slash extreme frustration. I know it's terrible of me to act out and cause trouble, but in a lot of cases it just appears. For example, today I was to sign my lease for my new apartment. Yay, excited yet not too excited because the rent was so goddamn high. So, I went to sign the lease, waited for my dad, freaked out because we were supposed to go at 3 and it was 3:04 and we both weren't there yet. So I freaked out at him for a little. Bad. Anyhow, we both arrive, he arrives a little later after the landlord explains to me that the place is for immediate move-in and we have to pay the prorated rent for the rest of the month. What?! My broker didn't tell me this when I talked to her and now, we're sitting there, I'm supposed to sign this lease? No. My dad arrives, I tell him the situation and he get furious. Mind you, my father's a zen/calm/no trouble kind of guy. He lashes out at her, screams at her, so he doesn't agree to sign the lease. However, the deposit, security, and key deposit was made, we weren't going to get that back. I'm not wasting around 4000 dollars for some dumb shit she made the mistake on. My father and I agree to sign the lease. We're going to move out in May and another bitch will take care of the rest of the year. Fuck it. Whatever. I want to kill her now. I'm so angry. She tried to touch me, I yelled at her. My dad yelled at her. All kinds of attacking. I kind of like this. She shuts up. Finally.

My father and I return to sign the lease and now have to move in beginning today, yes IMMEDIATELY. So, I paid NYU to live in their housing and these dumbshits to live in theirs. Great. Since their's cost more, I'll have to live there and still pay for this one. Fuck my life. I want to shoot her. I still do. So my father and I decide to move in this weekend. First thing, we have no furniture, I'm not packed at all. Second, I don't know how we're going to move everything in without straining ourselves and being extremely rushed. Third, the apartment isn't painted and it's not cleaned as New York Law states for each apartment. Fourth-ly, my first day as an actual employee at Lalique begins Monday and finally, I have a big ass Accounting exam on Monday. What the FUCK do I do? Tell me I can't be upset over this and I will stab your throat. This is ridiculous. The broker [Tex Larida, I highly DO NOT recommend her] tries to hug me and tells me not to be mad. Who the fuck does she think she is telling me not to be mad after she lies to me and lies to my dad. Broker's fee is usually one months rent or a certain percent of the year. My dad is told one thing, she doesn't hold her promise. Secondly, she tells me we're going to sign the lease without telling me it's immediate move in. What is that? Is that right? So unethical. She just wants business. I wish Ethan was my broker. He's great. Really. If he ever becomes a broker I will back him up 100%.

Anyhow, this was supposed to be rant slash post that had some kind of meaning to ask if anger is appropriate. Well, is it? Basing off societal values, I say no. But personally, it's the only way I can deal with problematic people including dumbshit bimbos from out of state who go out on a Monday or Tuesday night, get wasted and claim they work/intern in the morning. Lying bitches. Get out and stop living off of your parents. I mean I do, but they want me to while I don't. I'd rather live poorly in a cardboard box then take their money. Really. I hate dealing with money and my parents. It upsets me so.

I don't know where this anger comes from. After returning from Paris all I can do is be angry. I don't like this feeling. I don't know what to do. I'm only used to it. What do I do mec? There's no more relaxation, nothing that allows me or anyone to be a calm person in New York. Things are just too fast for me here. I need to go to Europe as my boss is. She's making the right decision. She also has an English Passport because she married an Englishman. Lucky. I need to run away. I hate conniving people, I hate anger, I hate a lot of things. I hold grudges forever so my past always lives with me. I won't get over this incident until I move out. What to do, what to do? Should I go in her office and cut her face so she'll remember me every time she looks in the mirror? Maybe... just maybe.