Motivation.

via pegobry.tumblr.com

Really.
Why listen to anyone but yourself?
Conformity sucks.
It's okay to be a little crazy.
It's the only way people will remember you.

Selfish Endeavors.

So, I realize blogging is my way to complain and to be quite frank, a selfish bitch. When I think about this, I mean, people would most definitely agree, they like to read about something they can relate to themselves, something that makes them feel a little selfish. Why read something if you're not interested in it, right?

It's been a long week. I have lyme disease. My apartment building has a bedbug infestation. I have gotten over 100 bug bites in the past month. No one can possibly relate to this right now. It sucks right? (I'm sure people can relate to this saying though..) Life's not fair. It's not.

Only thing to do right now is stick it out and keep my head up. I've not learned to control my temper. I'm sure everyone is hot tempered every now and then but it's difficult for me to learn. I don't believe this will ever happen. After this bug bite thing, I've been freaking out and yelling at everything. Sorry. It's not you, it's the damn bugs.

On a lighter note, I had the most cliché college student weekend. Only bad thing is, my body is aging quicker than my actual age. I couldn't recover as quickly. Actually another bad thing. Had I been sober, I would've realized this last Friday. My same friend left me alone once again, freaked out and alone, this time extremely inebriated and unable to walk home by myself. Where are your friends when you need them? Apparently, they're never going to be there. Better thing is, I found the kindest male stranger in my drunken stupor to walk to home. There are kind people in this world.

So I've been thinking and watching my interactions with other people and their interactions with me. Of course, they'll never say it to me, but they will to my friends. First thing they see, my chest. When will this end? I want to be more than just that. Why is the body so important? Don't say it goes back to our animal instinct. That was way back when. This is a civilized society now. People should be better than that. Saturday, I was grabbed by a man on bike. He didn't even stop. Just rode by and grabbed my butt. Twice. It's not funny. I hear you laughing. I felt so violated. I wanted to hit him. I yelled at him to come back, he turned around. The end. No balls to even stop. What a douchebag. Think about what you would do if this happened to you. Think about it. It was a black man, too. I was never racist. Ever. But after living in this city for 3 years, I have this wall growing between me and black people. Don't get me wrong, I love the hip-hop, their soul, the gospel. I just hate everything else. All the black men I've met didn't prove what my parent's said wrong. Oh well. I guess there's some truth in what's told to you. It just took me a while to see it.

I don't want to talk about that anymore. It makes me angry.

Anyhow, there's this Met thing tomorrow I would like to attend. No one I really know is going and the girl I do know is being accompanied by her other friends. Poop. What to do, what to do.

Time for some homework/reading/ice cream.

The brighter things in life.

So, yesterday was an emo day. Yes, everyone has those. I believe it's the part of the monthly cycle women go through. You know, the thing that begins with an m and ends in period? Yeah. That thing. Moodiness sucks balls. Oh well. Today's the happy day of my bipolar mood.

I got a quick response from an adviser that wasn't mine. Success! I'm going to see her tomorrow. Retrieved a book and signed my tax forms from my dad today. Went to the doctor and got medicine for my abnormally sized bug bites and dinner with the friends.

This is the time to reminisce. Only 2 years ago were we young freshman. Eating in the dining halls. Scoping out the hotspots that didn't card. Scoping out the hotspots in the city, period. Discovering who we were. My friends and I went to a dining hall for dinner today, and I just went back to the first day of NYU when I was a hopeful student. Now only do I know NYU was just a waste of my money. Okay, not going there. I went there already. So, we were sitting there, catching up on our classes and what not. A friend of ours got the courage to go over and get the number of a freshman. He hasn't changed. It's great. It's just nice remembering the good things in life. I wish I could only remember the good things. My life needs to change right now.

J'avais attendu pour le jour ou je peux partir cette vie et entrer une autre. Une vie qui a été signifiée pour moi. Et le même chose pour tout le monde autrement. Je sais pas si c'est correct, alors, mon Français devient plus mauvais.

The bad things in life.

Today was the first day of the last year of my undergraduate career, what does that mean? That means I'm almost done and almost free! People always reminisce on their college days. All of my previous bosses--well at least the one who were nice and talked to me, told me they all missed college. I may miss it...but not right away. Ha. Today was the remembrance of the first day of long elevator lines, lost freshman, and the overcrowding of the terrible, but the very accessible, Starbucks. I don't know if this is something people will remember or choose to miss. I missed open walkways and streets in Paris and the New York summer, uncrowded buildings for summer classes. All that jazz.

I'm just thinking back to the past 2 years here at NYU. Nothing good except the few close friends I've made. All of my teachers were TA's or adjuncts give or take one..two yeah, two actual professors. I pay 50 grand a year for fucking TA's and adjuncts? Just take my entire life savings why don't you? Schools no longer care about your education. Yessirree. I can say this from my experience at NYU. They only want your money. NYU only cares about Tisch and Stern because they spit out the people who make the most money and donate back to the school. Oh, hey. I'm sorry. If you invested as much time into the other schools maybe we'd donate money when we graduate too. I am NOT giving NYU a penny when I graduate. I need more financial aid. I get none. My friend who has absolutely NO support from her parents who need it more than I do, gets barely nothing. What's this need based thing? There's no such thing. I just want to get out of here. Graduate and never come back to this place. I didn't like it when I even first stepped foot on this campus to visit. I liked Columbia much better. But, NYU was more practical and my only choice other than Rutgers. I wasn't allowed to choose what I wanted. Now, I'm thinking maybe I should have went to Rutgers. Save about 150,000 dollars and probably get a better education. Just sayin.

So that's my rant. NYU sucks balls and I want a diploma and a refund. I did my part, NYU didn't do theirs. Unfair. So unfair. My friend only noticed this today in one of his classes. He's lucky. He takes Stern classes until he strolled into the class he had with me today. I've only had these kinds of teachers. At least he gets real professors.

I also went to the Health center for my infected bug bites today. What did I get? Nothing. Yeah, you need an appointment. But yeah, THEY'RE NOT ONLINE. This system changed from the last time I went, and I think they should constantly update new ways to access and schedule appointments. Just saying. My legs are swollen to the point where I can barely walk and they want me to pay $10 to get a nurse's assessment to tell me what I already know and in the end, leave with nothing and still can't walk. Oh joy. Why don't you just let the infected blood run through my body and let me die instead? Thanks.

Sometime I think life is just unfair. Why do people have highs and lows except me? I may have a high, but the for the shortest time. Less than half a day, then everything is back to shit. I had a great time abroad, but there was nothing exceptional except that nothing went terribly wrong. Some people have the best luck but don't deserve it. How am I supposed to get through anything knowing that I won't win or succeed as much as anyone else in life. This sucks. It makes me unmotivated. Great. Fuck this shit. I just need to get through one more year. Then figure out what makes me happy. Please happen.

it's about that time.

So, it's been a while since I've posted. Why? I've been thinking about my life and what I want to be, what I want to do, things like that. I don't know what I want. At all. I know that I want to be happy, experience the shitty jobs of being a waitress or hostess or whatnot. These things help build you for the future. Like my dad says, the best way to get by in life is knowing how to react and behave around other people. I fail bigtime at this. I'm trying to change, but this clearly didn't happen at the past few days at work.

Anyhow, I am broken, meaning it is that time of the month so that was relieving. But the worst part is, the anger. It comes a few days before it, during it, and a few days after it. I'm basically angry half the year. So it's just lovely, really. I talked back to my boss at work which I shouldn't have but, I did. I believe it's the end of my run at Lalique. For the moment, at least. I've been accepted as an intern at a boutique PR firm. They represent Balenciaga and Proenza-Schouler amongst other designers. I walked in and saw all the shoes and went to heaven. These two men were the most serious gay men I have ever met. Kind of intimidating, but I found my center and had a great interview. I get to look at beautiful shoes and beautiful designers all day. Maybe this will motivate me to get back to exercising and quit smoking. Who knows. But I think they all smoke anyway... Hmm.

Looking forward to meeting Ryan from the Chamber Group although I haven't heard back from him yet. My friend interned for them and I may be able to intern for them in the fall. They're also a PR company for music artists of the hip hop sort. My favorite.

Anyhow as my life progresses, I find that if you don't have experience in New York City, no one wants you. BLT fish flat out rejected me as they haven't called back in 2 weeks when they said they'd contact me in a week. Womp. Gemma said they would call me today, but I haven't heard anything. I'll wait til Wednesday then go back for another shot. No shame right? Anyhow these experiences make me believe that I will never work in the restaurant industry. I guess this is a good thing? But, I kinda want to be a bartender. Things I want versus what things come to me. Always ends up as retail. Fuck. It sucks.

I must think about Paris everyday. I heard my sister wanted to come home after 3/4 weeks in Spain. I wanted to go back after 3/4 weeks back in the states. It kills me to know that I have friends there, that I've built many of my friendships that I have now, there. I love that Paris will always be beautiful. I wish I could go back every time I think about it. What do you do with this kind of feeling? This is what I want, where I want to be. I just have to find a way to get there. My old boss, Suzie, is now in London. I'm jealous, she's found her way across the pond with her loving husband. I want to be her. I just need to find a European to marry. Ha. We'll see.

This is just a big BLAH as to a post. I can write about anything right now it's been a few weeks since I've updated. My electric bill is almost the price of my cable bill I don't know why I need to fix things everytime the damn bill comes. I hates bills. I hate not getting paid because then I can't pay my bills. Death to Conedison and TimeWarner. Ew. Monopoly bitches. I want to enjoy a vacation. I haven't really had one for a long time. I guess Spring break...more like Winter break counts. But it was still stressful traveling with a lot of people. I want to go somewhere by myself. But, I guess that's not safe. I also don't have the money for it. Oh well. What to do. A few weeks to dick around before I have to get serious for my last year in school.

I hope it's fun.