Lonely?

So, I've fallen into this scheduled lifestyle once again. No more spontaneity. Is this wrong? I think so. I want to live a life of freedom and excitement. But I don't know how. Finding a job, being financially secure, finding an apartment, finding an internship, doing well in classes--I don't know if I can balance my life. Am I thinking too much or is this just another case of overthinking my life?

Paris will go on without me. New York has gone on without me. My family has already forgotten me. What do I do? There are times I just want to disappear to the world and live a new life. I think my chance was supposed to be Paris, but I've.. failed. I still continue to make an effort in making my life more interesting but if it's so difficult, should I keep going? My luck continues to falter. Or rather, my nonexistence of luck continues to strive. I'd give anything to be lucky or find a way to enjoy the life I have. I love Paris. It's already April. My newfound independence will soon disappear. I want to go back to New York, but I know I'll miss Paris.

My brain doesn't seem to function the way it should. I overthink everyone's actions, everyone's thoughts. It might be too much. My head can't stop hurting. I think this weird emotional post is brought on by the conversation I had with my mother today. I don't talk to my mother. We don't have a good relationship. She likes to think we do, but I know we don't. She updates me on their amazing lives and my brother's selfishness and my sister's successes. They don't need me. I know. I've already fulfilled the part of their lives I was supposed to. I just need to find a life where someone might need me.

I'm lonely. I love being by myself, but sometimes without a shoulder to lean on, I find myself extremely disheartened. All my life, I've been surrounded by crowds and masses of people only to find, I am completely alone.