Gearing for the End.

So, it's almost time for school to start again, on Tuesday, and my job to start the following Monday. Time to get back to real life, right? I've been so bored anyway. It's just been, in all seriousness, playing house. My mother left last Wednesday and in that time, I've washed an uncountable number dishes and about 5 loads of laundry. I sleep late so I wake up late and the errands that should be done in the morning get done in the afternoon. I just remembered I forgot to go to Costco to help my mom do a price exchange. Womp. I can do it Saturday before I leave. We went last Saturday to do it, but the line was too long. People just love Costco. I should stop by to buy some food/drinks for school. I am a Costco lover.

Went snowboarding again yesterday at Blue Mountain with a different group of people. Much better I believe, buddy system. I learned to carve. Now, I just need time to practice. Too bad I'm going back to school on Saturday or I'd do another day. Mike and Susie are carving beasts. I love watching them snowboard. If I were an avid camera fiend, all my pictures would be them tearing up the mountain.

That day was also my first encounter with one of the most reckless drivers on the road. Pennsylvania drivers are worse than New Jersey drivers. I can say that from the 3 hours I was in Pennsylvania on Monday. This one guy zooms ahead of me and then suddenly slams on his brakes, screeching and smoke comes off the ground. I had to slam on my brakes even though I was a good distance away. He freaked me out and I was shaking for a good half hour. This asshole was smiling after this while tailgating me right after. I passed him when I slammed on my brakes into the shoulder of the road. Since when are accidents a laughing matter? I hope he got in one on Monday, he deserves it. Then after, he was flailing around Route 78 on the middle of the road. What is that?! Revoke his license. Terrible. Then another woman was tailgating me, so close that if I tapped my brakes when she blinked, she would crash into my car. Tell me Pennsylvania is a good place to drive. I hate Pennsylvania.

I'm supposed to go to Mitsuwa tomorrow with a friend. I don't know if it's happening. We both sleep late, but I want Japanese food. It's in Fort Lee and I haven't been for a few years. If anyone has a chance to go to Fort Lee, Mitsuwa is worth visiting.

Going back to school on Saturday to settle in and figure out my schedule, where to go, what to do, grocery shopping, all that fun stuff. My lovelies are mostly all in New York already. I foresee another semester of hardcore studying. I don't know why I challenge myself so much with some classes. Looking forward to Discovery and graduation! Finally done with school. Well, for the meantime. I'll go back for my Masters or MBA sometime in the future.

I just felt like updating since I have nothing really to do. I lied, going to do laundry now. I forgot about it.

This is my last winter break... ever.

Happier?

It's been a few days since I've been back and it's been bittersweet. I've missed New York and I think I actually miss my home. My parents have been extremely nice and there's something weird about that. But, I guess all's well. I think I may actually visit home a few times this summer. Hmm. If you don't know me, that's an odd thing.

So, I've been in New York for exactly three days. Bored out of my mind, jobless, and about to be internship-less. Thing is, my boss is about to leave her job at my internship therefore, I would stop going because I'm going back to work for her... My jobless days consist of sleeping til noon then going out and spending money, going to class, spending more money then sleeping. Constant cycle. I hate it. I want to make money. My parents are supporting me right now. It feels so weird. I know people are going to say well aren't you glad you don't have to work? Answer? No. I'm not glad. I actually like working. I have fun. Or try my best. It's something to fill my time. Tomorrow I'm going to a few bartending open calls without any .... real bartending experience. Wish me luck on that. AHHH.

Oh, also. Been hanging out with Soo Young a lot. Yes, my friend's name is Soo Young. We went to get a mani-pedi. I've never gotten this done before. The woman cut off my massive cuticles and nasty feet corns. Hahaha. It's a big disgusting when you read this. But I got some awesome neon orange nails and hot pink toenails. I'm such a fan right now. All Soo Youngs doing. She has neon yellow nails and hot pink toenails. Bam. When I get a job, I will constantly do this forever and ever. Need to get my hair did too. Gawd. Why do women have to do so much to look good? I mean we don't have to, but most of us feel like we need to. Me too. I don't get any men and really, I've never actually been on a date. 20 years old. Never gone on a real date. Wow. Anyhow. That was a good time.

Went to Lalique today to find Suzie. She said I could work for her, I began on the spot and am currently, well was, calling and filing press/media kits for Lalique. It's something new. It's a good time. Ran into Rebecca from Puma after work today. It was great! I missed her so. I'm looking forward tomorrow. Mimi, my old roommate is coming in, we're going to see a friend's show at the Bitter End on Bleecker Street if anyone wants to join, going job hunting and finally having some work to do at Lalique during the day. Success!

So, those were the good things. Bad thing is, since I've gotten back I haven't been in touch with my friends. Why? They refuse to talk to me. Why? I have absolutely no idea. We all split for study abroad and this one girl decides to bitch out and declare we were all abandoning her. Are we really? Huh. Didn't really see it that way. Thought we all were going for school, just happened to be at the same time. Oh well. She continues to break our bond being flaky and reiterating the fact that she's found a new group of friends. A new group that influenced her to begin smoking, something she was so against and constantly yelled at me for, then made her this hipster bitch that she is not. Good for her. God. I'm ranting. She's really not worth it. The people that want to be my friend will make the effort. I'm just going to end this if she wants it that way. It's probably for the best. She didn't really do much for my soul anyhow.

Going to watch all of 30 rock. YAY.

Lonely?

So, I've fallen into this scheduled lifestyle once again. No more spontaneity. Is this wrong? I think so. I want to live a life of freedom and excitement. But I don't know how. Finding a job, being financially secure, finding an apartment, finding an internship, doing well in classes--I don't know if I can balance my life. Am I thinking too much or is this just another case of overthinking my life?

Paris will go on without me. New York has gone on without me. My family has already forgotten me. What do I do? There are times I just want to disappear to the world and live a new life. I think my chance was supposed to be Paris, but I've.. failed. I still continue to make an effort in making my life more interesting but if it's so difficult, should I keep going? My luck continues to falter. Or rather, my nonexistence of luck continues to strive. I'd give anything to be lucky or find a way to enjoy the life I have. I love Paris. It's already April. My newfound independence will soon disappear. I want to go back to New York, but I know I'll miss Paris.

My brain doesn't seem to function the way it should. I overthink everyone's actions, everyone's thoughts. It might be too much. My head can't stop hurting. I think this weird emotional post is brought on by the conversation I had with my mother today. I don't talk to my mother. We don't have a good relationship. She likes to think we do, but I know we don't. She updates me on their amazing lives and my brother's selfishness and my sister's successes. They don't need me. I know. I've already fulfilled the part of their lives I was supposed to. I just need to find a life where someone might need me.

I'm lonely. I love being by myself, but sometimes without a shoulder to lean on, I find myself extremely disheartened. All my life, I've been surrounded by crowds and masses of people only to find, I am completely alone.