the urge.

Watching TV, reading french blogs, or rather, attempting to, and a thought came across my mind. I want to be sponsored to go to France to learn French. To nanny or something for young teenagers..ish. I don't know. I can't deal with children but to learn French I'll do anything. At work today, it was all business and big executive meeting. Learned that a replacement has been hired for Suzie. Dumbshits. No one could do her job like her. I'm not looking forward to new girl. I'm being treated like a dumbass. I can do their jobs ten times better than them.

Sidenote: an enzyte commercial came on TV just now for 'natural male enhancement'. I'm crying it's so funny. I wonder if this guy in the commercial gets hit on daily. He doesn't really look like he has a big schlong. But, who knows.

Anyhow, the random thought of going to France just came to my mind. Everyone belongs somewhere, you know it when you're there. Paris is for me. I need to go. It's calling my name. I really dislike New York right now and this Southeast Asian weather in it. I'm continuously looking for vacations in August to get away. I really want my dad to have a vacation more than me, though. I'll keep looking.

Tomorrow is another slow day at work. I put in my resume for a bartending job. Hopefully they'll call, if not, I'll probably go back in and ask about it. Who knows. Be forward right? No shame. Also have Daniel's dinner with his parents tomorrow night. That's going to be interesting. I don't know how were going to refrain our cursing and immature selves. Oh damn. This will be worth missing class I guess. Hmm.

one more time.

So, tonight was superb, well in a way. I have friends that don't mind getting drunk with me on a weekday. Nice. But sometimes, 40 year old bouncers don't do it for me. Although, I am interested in his artwork. That's a story. I won't tell you, it's not interesting.

Anyhow, this past week has been somewhat hectic and boring. Yes, the extremes. I have been deciding about this internship about Lalique because I think I've taken all I can from these people. It's that time. I need a new internship stat. Also, went to Steven Madden today to buy shoes. Ended up being offered a job as a retail associate because I knew someone who worked there who worked with me before. Fuck. I don't think I wanna do that again. It's just all kinds of crazy, unless I get commission. I need a job to pay my bills. My parents can't do that for me anymore. I had this argument/talk with a friend of mine who's all on loans but I mean, it's her fault. She could've gone to a state school for free, but she chose NYU. Not my problem, mec. Not my problem. It's just hard accepting money from my parents. I know until I get a job, there is no way I can spend like I am. Swiping and all that bullshit. I need to stop. I wish there was someway to get rid of all my credit, my parents and sisters credit, and start all over. Fuck. It sucks.

I also was recently, hit on by a friend. It was awkward. Really awkward. Hectic, to say to least. Not my kinda show. Friends are friends and I'm not really attracted to him unless I'm super drunk. It doesn't happen often, unless I were in Paris. Speaking of Paris, I hung out with a friend from France, met her friend Raphael, and managed to understand/kinda conversate in French. Really made me happy. Kinda made me realize I need to go back to France. ASAP. I don't know what to do.

Something exciting, developed my own pictures and printing them tomorrow for class. I'm excited. Taking more pictures tomorrow. I need money. I think I have to take this job. Fuck. My. Life.

a little more humble.

So my last post seemed/still seems conceited and self-absorbed. I apologize, it only happens one day of the year and now I'm past it. It's been about a 2 weeks since that post, I believe, and a lot has happened.

First off, I've been struggling with my Macroeconomics class. I've taken it in high school yes, but I suck at it. I always did Physics homework during that class and even now, when I actually try to learn it, I fail miserably. It's okay. Well, it wasn't before until I sent a very emotional email to my teacher and she told me I passed. I am grateful. So, so grateful. The week before the final, which I took last Thursday was death. I would disclose my grades, but then you would think I was some retard who couldn't read or something. But then again, with that sentence, you probably already think so.

Then, my terrible internship/bitch-ship at Izzy Gold and my love for Lalique's open position which I'm too young for, had me hating the work environment. I know both internships are bad for me in their own way but I know that Lalique does still have something to offer with Suzie still there. I'm just gonna take as much as I can these last few weeks while I search for another internship/job. Izzy on the other hand, I've learned has no benefits except for maybe peeping a few D-list celebs, but nothing more. Even with that, I'm not interested. The public life never seemed appealing, but I'll never know until it happens to me. I could be a media whore. I believe in myself. Ha. Anyhow, I was going off topic, I am officially leaving Izzy Gold. The CEO is super nice, but working under the Managing Director, cleaning up after him, organizing his closet, getting his medications, mail, UGH. I can't do it anymore. I know people believe that someone has to work their way up, but by doing this kinda work? I'm not a personal maid or personal assistant. I am an INTERN. I am here to learn. Teach me something that's useful and not something I have to put rubber gloves on for. Thanks.

So, I've been looking for jobs nonstop to no avail. I'm afraid I may have to venture back into the retail field and I am completely dreading it. We'll see how it goes. I need a job by the 3rd/4th week of July. If I don't, someone please offer me a job. Some people have it a lot easier than some of us and usually better off than me. I have no luck in anything except the fact my dad is lucky and I can mooch his takings. It's not right. I wish I were lucky. Some people get handed hostessing jobs with no experience, internships at big ass companies, huge scholarships while they're extremely rich and dumb. Life is just not fair. I hate this. A lot.

My life just seems to spiral downhill. I've begun my second session yesterday, Monday, with Principles of Financial Accounting and Intro to Photography. I'm not so excited about Accounting. I'm already dreading it, but that curve in Stern always looks oh so good which reminds me why I hate Stern. They always curve that shit so high. Top 35% are required to get A/A- then 50-55% receive B+/B- and the rest get C's. So I basically don't have to try and I'd pass anyway. That's nice. Fuck you, Stern.

I need a more positive outlook on life. Muse, where are you?

Happier?

It's been a few days since I've been back and it's been bittersweet. I've missed New York and I think I actually miss my home. My parents have been extremely nice and there's something weird about that. But, I guess all's well. I think I may actually visit home a few times this summer. Hmm. If you don't know me, that's an odd thing.

So, I've been in New York for exactly three days. Bored out of my mind, jobless, and about to be internship-less. Thing is, my boss is about to leave her job at my internship therefore, I would stop going because I'm going back to work for her... My jobless days consist of sleeping til noon then going out and spending money, going to class, spending more money then sleeping. Constant cycle. I hate it. I want to make money. My parents are supporting me right now. It feels so weird. I know people are going to say well aren't you glad you don't have to work? Answer? No. I'm not glad. I actually like working. I have fun. Or try my best. It's something to fill my time. Tomorrow I'm going to a few bartending open calls without any .... real bartending experience. Wish me luck on that. AHHH.

Oh, also. Been hanging out with Soo Young a lot. Yes, my friend's name is Soo Young. We went to get a mani-pedi. I've never gotten this done before. The woman cut off my massive cuticles and nasty feet corns. Hahaha. It's a big disgusting when you read this. But I got some awesome neon orange nails and hot pink toenails. I'm such a fan right now. All Soo Youngs doing. She has neon yellow nails and hot pink toenails. Bam. When I get a job, I will constantly do this forever and ever. Need to get my hair did too. Gawd. Why do women have to do so much to look good? I mean we don't have to, but most of us feel like we need to. Me too. I don't get any men and really, I've never actually been on a date. 20 years old. Never gone on a real date. Wow. Anyhow. That was a good time.

Went to Lalique today to find Suzie. She said I could work for her, I began on the spot and am currently, well was, calling and filing press/media kits for Lalique. It's something new. It's a good time. Ran into Rebecca from Puma after work today. It was great! I missed her so. I'm looking forward tomorrow. Mimi, my old roommate is coming in, we're going to see a friend's show at the Bitter End on Bleecker Street if anyone wants to join, going job hunting and finally having some work to do at Lalique during the day. Success!

So, those were the good things. Bad thing is, since I've gotten back I haven't been in touch with my friends. Why? They refuse to talk to me. Why? I have absolutely no idea. We all split for study abroad and this one girl decides to bitch out and declare we were all abandoning her. Are we really? Huh. Didn't really see it that way. Thought we all were going for school, just happened to be at the same time. Oh well. She continues to break our bond being flaky and reiterating the fact that she's found a new group of friends. A new group that influenced her to begin smoking, something she was so against and constantly yelled at me for, then made her this hipster bitch that she is not. Good for her. God. I'm ranting. She's really not worth it. The people that want to be my friend will make the effort. I'm just going to end this if she wants it that way. It's probably for the best. She didn't really do much for my soul anyhow.

Going to watch all of 30 rock. YAY.