Another Year.

So, in about 26 minutes I will have hit my 20 year mark. What have I accomplished in my life?

• Traveled to Paris
• Made new friends
• Lost bad friends
• Became more cultured
• Bought 200 pairs of shoes [I kid. Well, kinda.]
• Finished almost 3 years of college.
• Learned French
• Got multiple internships.
  

I'd say that's a decent list. Except it's not much. What can I do? I can't have the world now, can I? What I do want are material things. A new camera [I've been looking at that Nikon XLR or that Canon EOS and I need to save up, a nice pair of Louis Boots or a purse, an Hermes purse, a nice French boyfriend [not so material], a nice apartment, travel around the world, graduate next year, a decently payed job that I actually like, a chance to be a bartender, and lots of other things. Just goes to show how greedy I am. Thing is, I need to focus. I need to fulfill my material needs so I can therefore, after, be selfless. Make sense? I don't want everything in the world, just some nice things and then live in a small country home somewhere in Brittany, France and be done with it.

Oh man, my mind wanders. Anyhow, I just hope next year will be better than the last. Although I had a great time and I want to cherish that Paris experience forever, the rest of the year was pretty terrible. I never seem to have luck in life, I hate that for some people things just happen. I hate that I have to work twice, maybe thrice as hard as others. I know this builds character, but I'm just getting so exhausted doing this my entire life. Other people have good luck spurts, but I don't seem to, or am I not seeing it? I have a great family to provide me to do as I wish, experience things they didn't, I guess I'm lucky in that way. But when I'm alone, independent, I mean, what happens then? I don't want to fall back onto my father's good life forever. I want to make something of myself. I'm not a whore in any way. I can't put myself out there for people to meet me [in a professional manner], I can't put myself out even in the slutty easy to get way [kinda like my sister. ha.], I have too much pride, which is a sin. I need resolutions and someone to guide me.

Not God. No. I will not believe in religion, it's not what I want to choose. I need someone I can look up to and teach me things. So far, the ones I've chosen in the past have either let me down or end up being the most selfish people in the world. I really hope I don't become like that.

20 minutes. I want to escape to a new destination every weekend. I don't care if its the Bahamas, Maine, Canada, anywhere. I know I can't afford anything so this will all have to wait. My sister's been spending like a fiend on guess what, material things. I wish she would grow up and take responsibility. I'm graduating when she graduates and she's a year older than me. Sometimes I feel like the bigger sister. I just want to live my life. I don't want to be a part of society anymore. Best thing that could happen is if I win the lottery. Ha. I don't play the lottery. But, hypothetically speaking, if I did. I'd hop on a plane to Paris. Find a bartending job and a small apartment and preferably live there until I got bored of the city and move to a small French town, possibly Aix-en-Provence or Bordeaux or somewhere in the Loire Valley or Perpignan, I don't know. I'm getting ahead of myself. And there, I would live the rest of my life, possibly married with kids [yes, I said multiple] and a few dogs.

I think my entire [theoretical] life just flashed before my eyes. I hope my current internship gets better. I hope he starts to pay me. I hope I can find clients for him so I can make some commission and begin this savings for the rest of my life. I hope I can learn to like this internship.

15 minutes.

Fuck.