it's about that time.

So, it's been a while since I've posted. Why? I've been thinking about my life and what I want to be, what I want to do, things like that. I don't know what I want. At all. I know that I want to be happy, experience the shitty jobs of being a waitress or hostess or whatnot. These things help build you for the future. Like my dad says, the best way to get by in life is knowing how to react and behave around other people. I fail bigtime at this. I'm trying to change, but this clearly didn't happen at the past few days at work.

Anyhow, I am broken, meaning it is that time of the month so that was relieving. But the worst part is, the anger. It comes a few days before it, during it, and a few days after it. I'm basically angry half the year. So it's just lovely, really. I talked back to my boss at work which I shouldn't have but, I did. I believe it's the end of my run at Lalique. For the moment, at least. I've been accepted as an intern at a boutique PR firm. They represent Balenciaga and Proenza-Schouler amongst other designers. I walked in and saw all the shoes and went to heaven. These two men were the most serious gay men I have ever met. Kind of intimidating, but I found my center and had a great interview. I get to look at beautiful shoes and beautiful designers all day. Maybe this will motivate me to get back to exercising and quit smoking. Who knows. But I think they all smoke anyway... Hmm.

Looking forward to meeting Ryan from the Chamber Group although I haven't heard back from him yet. My friend interned for them and I may be able to intern for them in the fall. They're also a PR company for music artists of the hip hop sort. My favorite.

Anyhow as my life progresses, I find that if you don't have experience in New York City, no one wants you. BLT fish flat out rejected me as they haven't called back in 2 weeks when they said they'd contact me in a week. Womp. Gemma said they would call me today, but I haven't heard anything. I'll wait til Wednesday then go back for another shot. No shame right? Anyhow these experiences make me believe that I will never work in the restaurant industry. I guess this is a good thing? But, I kinda want to be a bartender. Things I want versus what things come to me. Always ends up as retail. Fuck. It sucks.

I must think about Paris everyday. I heard my sister wanted to come home after 3/4 weeks in Spain. I wanted to go back after 3/4 weeks back in the states. It kills me to know that I have friends there, that I've built many of my friendships that I have now, there. I love that Paris will always be beautiful. I wish I could go back every time I think about it. What do you do with this kind of feeling? This is what I want, where I want to be. I just have to find a way to get there. My old boss, Suzie, is now in London. I'm jealous, she's found her way across the pond with her loving husband. I want to be her. I just need to find a European to marry. Ha. We'll see.

This is just a big BLAH as to a post. I can write about anything right now it's been a few weeks since I've updated. My electric bill is almost the price of my cable bill I don't know why I need to fix things everytime the damn bill comes. I hates bills. I hate not getting paid because then I can't pay my bills. Death to Conedison and TimeWarner. Ew. Monopoly bitches. I want to enjoy a vacation. I haven't really had one for a long time. I guess Spring break...more like Winter break counts. But it was still stressful traveling with a lot of people. I want to go somewhere by myself. But, I guess that's not safe. I also don't have the money for it. Oh well. What to do. A few weeks to dick around before I have to get serious for my last year in school.

I hope it's fun.

the urge.

Watching TV, reading french blogs, or rather, attempting to, and a thought came across my mind. I want to be sponsored to go to France to learn French. To nanny or something for young teenagers..ish. I don't know. I can't deal with children but to learn French I'll do anything. At work today, it was all business and big executive meeting. Learned that a replacement has been hired for Suzie. Dumbshits. No one could do her job like her. I'm not looking forward to new girl. I'm being treated like a dumbass. I can do their jobs ten times better than them.

Sidenote: an enzyte commercial came on TV just now for 'natural male enhancement'. I'm crying it's so funny. I wonder if this guy in the commercial gets hit on daily. He doesn't really look like he has a big schlong. But, who knows.

Anyhow, the random thought of going to France just came to my mind. Everyone belongs somewhere, you know it when you're there. Paris is for me. I need to go. It's calling my name. I really dislike New York right now and this Southeast Asian weather in it. I'm continuously looking for vacations in August to get away. I really want my dad to have a vacation more than me, though. I'll keep looking.

Tomorrow is another slow day at work. I put in my resume for a bartending job. Hopefully they'll call, if not, I'll probably go back in and ask about it. Who knows. Be forward right? No shame. Also have Daniel's dinner with his parents tomorrow night. That's going to be interesting. I don't know how were going to refrain our cursing and immature selves. Oh damn. This will be worth missing class I guess. Hmm.

the big move.

So, the weekend was hectic. After the event on Friday, I went to vent at a few people. Or lots of people actually. Then Saturday I went on a few errands, went kayaking on the Hudson, walked on the highline and jumped on a train to Jersey. I immediately called my best friend, my mother was cooking, and he came over for dinner. My parents and their friends began watching some Asian Pop Idol show. Weird. All the girls were turned to sluts. Such a fail on the show's part. So, we didn't want to watch the awkwardness that was on the TV so we went upstairs to find.. PS2! And Star Wars! Oh dear lord, it's an addicting and difficult game. I love it so. We played for 3-4 hours when he and I should have both been studying for our exams. It was probably the most relaxing time of my weekend. We then beat 3 levels, got kicked out because my parents wanted to sleep then went downstairs to find Waterboy on Starz. Bam! We watched that. 2am. Fuck. He peaced. I went to bed.

Next morning. I rushed to pack everything I had, move furniture out of the house into my dad's large truck then headed to buy mattresses and pick up a frame from the apartment. Headed straight to New York City where we were met by my good friends Ben and Austin. Those boys are lifesavers. They helped me move about 200lbs worth of furniture up 4 flights of stairs. Damn. We assembled the bed and installed the air conditioner and set up a TV stand. Done. Pops, Austin, and brobro left and I chilled at Bens. Almost fell asleep on his futon. Damn. Headed home, exhausted. Fell asleep around 10. Mind you, I still had a midterm to study for. I suck at life. So woke up today, Monday around 9am. Started cramming. Didn't work because I failed my midterm. Great. Oh well. What's done is done. I just have to do really well on my final. Uhh...

I have nothing philosophical to stay. I'm just documenting my summer which turned out to be pretty decent. I'm going to start my new job tomorrow, my previous internship, which will hopefully turn out to be something I enjoy. Plus it's great on a resume. Anyhow, I haven't had any time to think or do something for myself. This is my reflecting moment. Is life really worth all the hardships and stress we put ourselves into? Keeping up with corporate companies, degrees, friends, money? I don't like where it puts all of us. I was talking to a friend and he says he feels important and shnazzy in business dress and his blackberry. I didn't like that he said that. He'll probably turn into a corporate robot and work on Wall Street when he graduate in 2 years. I really don't like that. When do we get to live for ourselves? Why can't we live it now and learn later? We're only young once and we don't even get to enjoy it because we're so focused on these important and well paying jobs, we're so stuck on the fact that we have to make money, be famous, yadda yadda. I want to do that when I'm 40. I want to live my years out jumping off airplanes and bungee jumping in the Alps. I want to learn to fly a plane and drive a boat. I want to make friends around the world who will teach me things I know nothing about. This is what life is. Taking advantage of each day we live, doing things that allow us to experience emotions that we aren't supposed to feel everyday. Compare this to working in a cubicle at a corporate office from the day you graduate at the age of 22 until 60 years old. What sounds better?

My free spirit is dying to get out. I need it to get out. I need to live. Get out of this stressful hellhole. I was called Hawaiian today. I seriously considered moving out to Hawaii and learning the Hawaiian language. I've never been to Hawaii before. Huh.

anger.

I have this problem, you see. It's called anger slash extreme frustration. I know it's terrible of me to act out and cause trouble, but in a lot of cases it just appears. For example, today I was to sign my lease for my new apartment. Yay, excited yet not too excited because the rent was so goddamn high. So, I went to sign the lease, waited for my dad, freaked out because we were supposed to go at 3 and it was 3:04 and we both weren't there yet. So I freaked out at him for a little. Bad. Anyhow, we both arrive, he arrives a little later after the landlord explains to me that the place is for immediate move-in and we have to pay the prorated rent for the rest of the month. What?! My broker didn't tell me this when I talked to her and now, we're sitting there, I'm supposed to sign this lease? No. My dad arrives, I tell him the situation and he get furious. Mind you, my father's a zen/calm/no trouble kind of guy. He lashes out at her, screams at her, so he doesn't agree to sign the lease. However, the deposit, security, and key deposit was made, we weren't going to get that back. I'm not wasting around 4000 dollars for some dumb shit she made the mistake on. My father and I agree to sign the lease. We're going to move out in May and another bitch will take care of the rest of the year. Fuck it. Whatever. I want to kill her now. I'm so angry. She tried to touch me, I yelled at her. My dad yelled at her. All kinds of attacking. I kind of like this. She shuts up. Finally.

My father and I return to sign the lease and now have to move in beginning today, yes IMMEDIATELY. So, I paid NYU to live in their housing and these dumbshits to live in theirs. Great. Since their's cost more, I'll have to live there and still pay for this one. Fuck my life. I want to shoot her. I still do. So my father and I decide to move in this weekend. First thing, we have no furniture, I'm not packed at all. Second, I don't know how we're going to move everything in without straining ourselves and being extremely rushed. Third, the apartment isn't painted and it's not cleaned as New York Law states for each apartment. Fourth-ly, my first day as an actual employee at Lalique begins Monday and finally, I have a big ass Accounting exam on Monday. What the FUCK do I do? Tell me I can't be upset over this and I will stab your throat. This is ridiculous. The broker [Tex Larida, I highly DO NOT recommend her] tries to hug me and tells me not to be mad. Who the fuck does she think she is telling me not to be mad after she lies to me and lies to my dad. Broker's fee is usually one months rent or a certain percent of the year. My dad is told one thing, she doesn't hold her promise. Secondly, she tells me we're going to sign the lease without telling me it's immediate move in. What is that? Is that right? So unethical. She just wants business. I wish Ethan was my broker. He's great. Really. If he ever becomes a broker I will back him up 100%.

Anyhow, this was supposed to be rant slash post that had some kind of meaning to ask if anger is appropriate. Well, is it? Basing off societal values, I say no. But personally, it's the only way I can deal with problematic people including dumbshit bimbos from out of state who go out on a Monday or Tuesday night, get wasted and claim they work/intern in the morning. Lying bitches. Get out and stop living off of your parents. I mean I do, but they want me to while I don't. I'd rather live poorly in a cardboard box then take their money. Really. I hate dealing with money and my parents. It upsets me so.

I don't know where this anger comes from. After returning from Paris all I can do is be angry. I don't like this feeling. I don't know what to do. I'm only used to it. What do I do mec? There's no more relaxation, nothing that allows me or anyone to be a calm person in New York. Things are just too fast for me here. I need to go to Europe as my boss is. She's making the right decision. She also has an English Passport because she married an Englishman. Lucky. I need to run away. I hate conniving people, I hate anger, I hate a lot of things. I hold grudges forever so my past always lives with me. I won't get over this incident until I move out. What to do, what to do? Should I go in her office and cut her face so she'll remember me every time she looks in the mirror? Maybe... just maybe.

something new.

So, today was uneventful. I woke up late again, went to yoga at 2, made Ben some dinner and went to class. So why post? Well the event of something new! I don't know about other people, but for me, school is a job. I dislike school. Scratch that. Abhor it. I'm not one for learning about things I'm not interested in. History of Communications? Interpersonal Communications? Introductory classes that just give you a really broad explanation that you'll learn in the intermediate classes? I don't like it. At all. People say that college is the best experience of your life. Is it really? Because I'm not having a good time. College is that transition period where students will worry about boys, girls, which turn into worrying about jobs and survival after college? I think survival tactics and actually learning what people do at the job is something to learn. School should be in the business. Theory classes are for the academia lovers. I may develop this love later, but now is just not the time.

Classes like my Intro to Photography I is something interesting. Something I know nothing about at all. It doesn't involve books or theories about the damn thing. You just do it. You learn by doing. This is how I prefer to learn things, maybe other people think so, too. I didn't know how use a manual 35mm camera 2 weeks ago. Now I do. I didn't know how to develop film into negatives. Now, I do. I didn't know how to use a darkroom or develop my actual pictures. Now, I do. It's still very on the rocks and not professional, but it's learning something new. I did this in a week. I want to learn things like this. I want to learn about EVERYTHING that has something to do with being active and in the field. It interests me more than sitting at home reading my accounting book on theories built from ancestors thousands of year ago. No, man. It's not my time.

College was forced upon me because it was the logical next step out of high school. My parents worked hard all their life to put us through school, get an education. Sure, it's important. But shouldn't we have a choice when to go? I was talking to a friend today. She's interested in the Peace Corps [I'm pretty interested now] and to even do that you need a Bachelor's degree. Since when does sheer will and a strong mind overpowered by a piece of paper that only says we have a fucking degree? I don't understand. Vraiment. Anyway, I know people will be hatin and getting in my business so I don't tell them this. The televised, worldwide media has brainwashed us all into this society where everything is judged by what you do and what you say. No brain, no extensive vocabulary, no smart comments means dumbass. That dumbass could probably be the person that saves your life. You never know. I'm just saying. The society we live in, this extremely fast paced-money driven society has made me realize wish I lived in a different generation. The 1800s, 1700s, I don't know. The early 1900s. Hell, when dinosaurs ruled the earth. I don't care. I think anything would be better than today. I don't know. I think I just miss the relaxed lifestyle of the French and their amazing culture and lax attitude about school and work. Enjoy life. We're missing out. I know this because I tried to catch up on living in France. I haven't made up for lost time. Now I'm back in New York, wasting more time.

We need to live and learn from other people. Not from fucking books. Books are great to read, I'm not saying we shouldn't read. I'm saying learning about other people's culture, their way of life, life different from ours, is what I think is most important. Sharing experiences and knowledge. Of course it's informal, but what's a better way to learn than from friends?

On another note, completely different, but I feel the need to write this down as it is a very important time in our lives. My generation, the previous generation and the generation before that all knew of Michael Jackson. I watched the Michael Jackson memorial service this evening and it rocked me to my core, mec. It hit me so hard. When Usher performed, Stevie Wonder's speech and tribute, Jermaine Jackson's rendition of 'Smile' for Michael, and little Paris Katherine Jackson gave her speech, I almost broke down and cried. I never cry for things like this or get emotional, but just seeing their pain hurt me too. I didn't know I had feelings like this. Michael Jackson is very much an idol, someone I'll never forget, someone who I'll never meet. Rest in peace, mec. Finally, Rest In Peace. 1958-2009.