a little more humble.

So my last post seemed/still seems conceited and self-absorbed. I apologize, it only happens one day of the year and now I'm past it. It's been about a 2 weeks since that post, I believe, and a lot has happened.

First off, I've been struggling with my Macroeconomics class. I've taken it in high school yes, but I suck at it. I always did Physics homework during that class and even now, when I actually try to learn it, I fail miserably. It's okay. Well, it wasn't before until I sent a very emotional email to my teacher and she told me I passed. I am grateful. So, so grateful. The week before the final, which I took last Thursday was death. I would disclose my grades, but then you would think I was some retard who couldn't read or something. But then again, with that sentence, you probably already think so.

Then, my terrible internship/bitch-ship at Izzy Gold and my love for Lalique's open position which I'm too young for, had me hating the work environment. I know both internships are bad for me in their own way but I know that Lalique does still have something to offer with Suzie still there. I'm just gonna take as much as I can these last few weeks while I search for another internship/job. Izzy on the other hand, I've learned has no benefits except for maybe peeping a few D-list celebs, but nothing more. Even with that, I'm not interested. The public life never seemed appealing, but I'll never know until it happens to me. I could be a media whore. I believe in myself. Ha. Anyhow, I was going off topic, I am officially leaving Izzy Gold. The CEO is super nice, but working under the Managing Director, cleaning up after him, organizing his closet, getting his medications, mail, UGH. I can't do it anymore. I know people believe that someone has to work their way up, but by doing this kinda work? I'm not a personal maid or personal assistant. I am an INTERN. I am here to learn. Teach me something that's useful and not something I have to put rubber gloves on for. Thanks.

So, I've been looking for jobs nonstop to no avail. I'm afraid I may have to venture back into the retail field and I am completely dreading it. We'll see how it goes. I need a job by the 3rd/4th week of July. If I don't, someone please offer me a job. Some people have it a lot easier than some of us and usually better off than me. I have no luck in anything except the fact my dad is lucky and I can mooch his takings. It's not right. I wish I were lucky. Some people get handed hostessing jobs with no experience, internships at big ass companies, huge scholarships while they're extremely rich and dumb. Life is just not fair. I hate this. A lot.

My life just seems to spiral downhill. I've begun my second session yesterday, Monday, with Principles of Financial Accounting and Intro to Photography. I'm not so excited about Accounting. I'm already dreading it, but that curve in Stern always looks oh so good which reminds me why I hate Stern. They always curve that shit so high. Top 35% are required to get A/A- then 50-55% receive B+/B- and the rest get C's. So I basically don't have to try and I'd pass anyway. That's nice. Fuck you, Stern.

I need a more positive outlook on life. Muse, where are you?

One of the best.

So Tuesday was one of the best birthdays of my life. Why? People seemed to care and REMEMBER my birthday. Ha. Yes, the attention whore part of me was fulfilled for the jour. My mother and father usually forget my birthday, but not this year. I went to my internship and they threw me a lovely birthday party and gave me a one of a kind Norma Jean tee. I was even just happy they said Happy Birthday, much less a celebration with candles and cupcakes. Just so you know, I blew out candles 3 times on my birthday, which is more than I've ever done in my previous ones. I met up with my old roommate, Mimi, who I met in the West Village for some Yogurtland and Marc by Marc Jacobs shopping. Yogurtland was as always, delicioso, and Marc Jacobs was fabulous in terms of new things since the last time I went. In December. She bought me a new wallet, which was really sweet of her. She'll be here next week all week for tech rehearsal. She's in an Opera! I wish I were in a show. I miss shows.

After internship, I skipped class and met Soo at an Italian restaurant in the East Village, I believe it was called Paprika. St Marks between 1st and A. I highly recommend it. We got some Pinot Grigio and I got Mozza and Tomates as an appetizer and Grilled Salmon avec Epinards with a citrus sauce/dressing. Yummy. For 22 dollars. Soo got a salad with Pears and Goat Cheese to start with then Gnocchi which I highly approve of. Anything potato will sit well with me. Haa. That was a lovely, lovely birthday dinner. Then after, I headed to Serendipity for dessert. Got Faustyna along the way then rode the train uppity up to 59th and Lex. Got to Serendipity and there was, alas, a 40 minute wait. As expected. By the time everyone came, it was time to go in and sit and eat. Everyone, except Daniel ordered a large chocolate-y dessert, and Faustyna got a cheesecake. I then opened presents and got the best presents EVER. Spa certificate, a new dress, and an ESPRESSO MAKER. Props to Gwen for remembering what I wanted from Bed Bath and Beyond. I'm going to wake up Saturday, make an espresso, then go get a facial with my Spa certificate. Va bene!

After dessert we chilled at my place, had some terrible beer. Note to self, never drink Fosters again. Then headed to Robs to chill on the roof. I love his roof. I'm jealous. All the time.

All in all, a great day with good company.

Another Year.

So, in about 26 minutes I will have hit my 20 year mark. What have I accomplished in my life?

• Traveled to Paris
• Made new friends
• Lost bad friends
• Became more cultured
• Bought 200 pairs of shoes [I kid. Well, kinda.]
• Finished almost 3 years of college.
• Learned French
• Got multiple internships.
  

I'd say that's a decent list. Except it's not much. What can I do? I can't have the world now, can I? What I do want are material things. A new camera [I've been looking at that Nikon XLR or that Canon EOS and I need to save up, a nice pair of Louis Boots or a purse, an Hermes purse, a nice French boyfriend [not so material], a nice apartment, travel around the world, graduate next year, a decently payed job that I actually like, a chance to be a bartender, and lots of other things. Just goes to show how greedy I am. Thing is, I need to focus. I need to fulfill my material needs so I can therefore, after, be selfless. Make sense? I don't want everything in the world, just some nice things and then live in a small country home somewhere in Brittany, France and be done with it.

Oh man, my mind wanders. Anyhow, I just hope next year will be better than the last. Although I had a great time and I want to cherish that Paris experience forever, the rest of the year was pretty terrible. I never seem to have luck in life, I hate that for some people things just happen. I hate that I have to work twice, maybe thrice as hard as others. I know this builds character, but I'm just getting so exhausted doing this my entire life. Other people have good luck spurts, but I don't seem to, or am I not seeing it? I have a great family to provide me to do as I wish, experience things they didn't, I guess I'm lucky in that way. But when I'm alone, independent, I mean, what happens then? I don't want to fall back onto my father's good life forever. I want to make something of myself. I'm not a whore in any way. I can't put myself out there for people to meet me [in a professional manner], I can't put myself out even in the slutty easy to get way [kinda like my sister. ha.], I have too much pride, which is a sin. I need resolutions and someone to guide me.

Not God. No. I will not believe in religion, it's not what I want to choose. I need someone I can look up to and teach me things. So far, the ones I've chosen in the past have either let me down or end up being the most selfish people in the world. I really hope I don't become like that.

20 minutes. I want to escape to a new destination every weekend. I don't care if its the Bahamas, Maine, Canada, anywhere. I know I can't afford anything so this will all have to wait. My sister's been spending like a fiend on guess what, material things. I wish she would grow up and take responsibility. I'm graduating when she graduates and she's a year older than me. Sometimes I feel like the bigger sister. I just want to live my life. I don't want to be a part of society anymore. Best thing that could happen is if I win the lottery. Ha. I don't play the lottery. But, hypothetically speaking, if I did. I'd hop on a plane to Paris. Find a bartending job and a small apartment and preferably live there until I got bored of the city and move to a small French town, possibly Aix-en-Provence or Bordeaux or somewhere in the Loire Valley or Perpignan, I don't know. I'm getting ahead of myself. And there, I would live the rest of my life, possibly married with kids [yes, I said multiple] and a few dogs.

I think my entire [theoretical] life just flashed before my eyes. I hope my current internship gets better. I hope he starts to pay me. I hope I can find clients for him so I can make some commission and begin this savings for the rest of my life. I hope I can learn to like this internship.

15 minutes.

Fuck.

The Calming Rain.

So, last Friday I went to Jersey to get away from the bullshit. It was actually really nice. I stayed with my parents and we got along quite.. well. I still think this is weird. So Friday I stayed in and finished 30 Rock. Bam. Nice. Then Saturday I was awoken pretty early to go to this buffet called IchiUmi. Are you laughing? Because I am. The place was inside Menlo Park Mall about 20 dollars a head for a buffet lunch. Kinda but not really expensive for all the shit they serve you. I had a plate of straight up sushi/sashimi, variety of fishes, then moved onto oysters, crawfish, and les moules! [mussels]. Delicious. Then a nice hot plate of Japanese food. Fatty? I think so. It was the most filling meal of my life. Well..for now at least. Went to see some friends after and got some Rita's Italian Ice. Haven't had that in ages. Yum Yum! Hung around the mall like I used to do. Which is still boring. Then headed home to talk to an old friend.

I haven't talked to so many people since I graduated. I don't know how I'm getting phone calls/emails from people I haven't seem since graduation. We were never close. Weird. Maybe I'm more interesting now that I went to France? Who knows. Womp. Anyhow, we conversated, mainly about my life, then my family and I headed to see Up in 3D. Can I tell you how much that movie moved me? I wanted to cry, but I don't have those cathartic experiences in movie theaters. Oh well. It was AMAZING, though! The previews were also in 3D. Oh man. I'm such a kid at heart, I still love cartoons and animated things. Well, in that sense at least. After that I went home and started watching Entourage. I'm hooked. One show after another. Weeds is probably next. I'm already on the 3rd season of Entourage. What is wrong with me?

Yesterday was my Econ midterm. Fuck I failed. I'm so scared I can't afford to not pass. I think I'll start taking notes on the next chapter now. Wakka. Faustyna and I met up for some Jamba juice love and Artichoke pizza. It's SO GOOD. I'm craving it now. Fuck. We walked around then headed to my dorm room to watch some Entourage. Let's hug it out, bitch. That line is now a favorite. I want to be a man, things are so simple.

Anyhow, I'm currently at my internship. Where NO ONE is. My boss is at a doctors appointment, the CEO and marketing director are probably at home canoodling and everyone's just disappeared. I didn't show up yesterday and no one said anything. Huh. What a place. There was a meeting this morning and I wasn't allowed to sit in. What the fuck and I supposed to learn? Need to reanalyze my situation. Forreal.

Apparently, last night was this HUGE thunderstorm. Little did I know. I slept like a rock. I woke up to the smell of rain and the sound of jackhammers. Lovely.

Not so fresh start.

So, 30 Rock, all three seasons are almost finished. Yay! This past week has been the most fun-filled dramatic week of my life. It's only been about 2 weeks since I've been back and there are problems already. Since when do people make problems for friends? I understand I'm starting ot ona bad not, but I just want to mention this once, then forget about it forever. Apparently, I'm the one with this dramatic problem. Sometimes, yes, but not all the time. When there's drama, it is NOT always my fault and I'm not going to take people's bullshit anymore. Skip ahead if you're not interested.

Friends are untrustworthy. All of them. Even your closest. How do you know that they won't turn on you, in a split second? Even my friends of 5-10 years are still on the edge, I can't trust. I did with this group of people I hung out with all throughout my freshman year of college, this did not turn out too well. I put my heart on the table, they know everything there is to know about me. I tell them everything. Thing is, after I did, they just assumed I was this conniving, sadistic, constantly angry bitch that they could put the blame on. Alright, I took it the first few times, I didn't realize it was my fault but I wanted to make amends. So, I apologize. Why do I have to do it first. ALL THE TIME. Even in high school. I'm a pushover. I may not seem like it, but if I consider you my friends, I'm the biggest pushover around. This sucks balls.

So, I had a problem with this girl from abroad. I've talked about her before I believe. She doesn't keep in contact with me or anything no form of communication. I'm upset because she talks to everyone else but me, and I considered her a close friend. Well, I guess not anymore. Recently she had this incident where she was on a film shoot and lightning hit something and killed a crew member. Upsetting right? Yes, it is. I'm not a monster. When her 'courier' told me about it, I wasn't moved really. I wasn't hearing it directly from her, and it seemed like a message that was saying, I'm coming to New York for no reason whatsoever so feel bad for me and comfort me all the time. Okay. I'm not going to sit there and talk to her like I like her until our previous conflict is resolved. These people KNOW how I am, they know that if I'm mad at you or do not like you, I will flat out be a bitch. They know this, they've seen it before, but when it comes to our little 'group', or rather THE group, it's unacceptable. I'm not the kind of person to put all feelings aside when something happens, even when it's death. I'm probably irrational about it and I know I'm not the 'bigger person' but whatever. This is who I am, judge me as you wish.

So, I told her courier friend that I don't really care for her situation. I'm not going to play nice and sit around and just say I'm sorry all the time when things never are my fault. I wanted to talk to her about our situation before I can actually tell her that I am sorry for her friend, and that she had to experience that. But now I take it back. I hate that my 'friends' have to tell me they stick up for me. Why is there any of this sticking up for me in the first place? What in fuck's sake have I done wrong? I sit around and sometimes read or study and not talk to these people and they assume I've gone wrong. Great. Fuck my life. I remember when Bree told me about my negative-ness. I was hurt, but I realized it's how I am, and how I deal with situations. I know she pushed away because it wasn't good for her well-being. I know. If these people knew, why didn't they do the same exact thing. Stupid fucks.

This leads to a phone call I got yesterday at work. The girl, Emellie, calls me up and tells me that she heard I wanted to talk to her but she had no desire to speak to me. So calling me and saying that makes her the bigger person? Number one, don't raise your voice at me once picking up the phone, it's all downhill from there. I was at work so I tried to not raise my voice, yet she's yelling about some nonsensical bullshit and tells me that the world doesn't revolve around me because she didn't talk to me in Paris. Stop. When did I ever think that the world revolved around me? When did I ever suggest this? I'm upset because she didn't see me as close as a friend as I, her. Stop. I flipped a shit, cussed out the situation, not at her, and hung up. I don't want to speak to someone who is so self-centered, conceited, who constantly needs attention, two faced, and a generally needy son of a bitch. I know who I am. I've been through enough bullshit to know that I don't need a lecture from someone who thinks that because she's had one relationship and dealt with a parents divorce makes her a stronger and better person than everyone else. Bull fucking shit.

I've dedicated enough time and energy on this. I'm done.

MOVING ON. Begin here to pass the bullshit.

Alors, last week, Friday, I was called for an interview at Izzy Gold Records, a branding slash record company. Had a previous internship going on, but skipped out for the interview. Waited 15 minutes passed my appointment, a little angry. After getting called in he steps out. He talks to me for about 45 minutes about everything, I'd basically be his bitch. Okay. Number one thing I do not like. But, after his speech slash anecdote he said, I like you. Come in Monday. What?! Okay I was happy but I didn't want to be a bitch. But I went anyway. So bored. What do I do? I want to stay with this company for now, give a few months see how it is, and if I don't learn anything, I will move on. Always the same thing.

But so far, I briefly met/saw Chace Crawford during the film reel shoot for the studio, the Countess from some bravo tv show with whom I practiced french with, and Izzy Gold. The musical genius I would like to one day work with. He's the CEO of the company, but I never see him, he has an apprentice who always sees him. Lucky bastard. These people are funny and really nice, but so far nothing too interesting. I can't sit in meetings, I can't do much really. Womp. Sit it out.

Saw John Legend this morning on the Good Morning America show. He's adorable, and better live than on the record. I want to be him. Except a woman. My friends visited me to see him too and they ended up crashing. It's 2:15PM they're still sleeping. My dad's coming around 4. Crap.

Going to Jersey this weekend to mellow out, and study Econ. Great. I hate school.