So, it was my friend's birthday today. She turned 20. Thing is, I was a bitch to her all day. Why? Because I hate birthdays. Maybe it's because I wish my birthday was always better. My parents consistently happened to 'forget' my birthday for about 10 years [since the age of 5] and in recent years, either completely forgot my birthday, thought my birthday was on the wrong day, or bought themselves presents without realizing it was in fact, my birthday. Is this selfish? Am I selfish for taking my pent-up anger on my friends? Say yes. Then give me advice. What do I do? Or am I okay for thinking this way? Are birthday's overrated? Went to the Mazet for her birthday. Beer still doesn't taste good. I'm still in love with all bartenders. French men are/will forever be, creepers. Migraines and motion sickness suck.
On a lighter note, I visited the Musée de la Musique today in the 19ieme with my French class. I was late and my teacher continues to passive aggressively hate me. Fail. Said best friend also continues to be flaky. Okay. But, the museum was a blast. I miss orchestra [dork] and classical music. I don't know why. Spanish guitar still gets me everytime. I need a man who will seduce and serenade me with Spanish guitar. Oh, if only. There was also drumming in WATER. The water was THE DRUM. It was baller. I want to learn/be a part of that culture. Pretty sure you can see it on Youtube. Everything's on Youtube. I miss music. Being a part of music. Now I know, music is an important part of my life. Oh joy.
I'm having a creative block. I need to make 2 scripts and 2 videos a shot list and a documentary. All in a month. Alongside that, theres a 5 page German Cinema paper and a 10 page research paper on an idea I have about the personal home as a museum. Si senor. Difficile. Look at me, ma! 3 languages!
I'm thinking about writing everyday until I leave. This will help me remember my stay in detail. I think. It's 2am. What the fuck is wrong with me?
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Monday, March 30, 2009
Sparkle
A glimpse of happiness. Talked to my two best friends today. Daniel and Mike. Don't know what I'd do without them.
After talking to Daniel, I realized I'm so out of the loop, I hate yet absolutely love it. I want to make new friends. Fuck. I think it's going to happen.
50 days until New York. And New York University. I'm really excited. Je te viens, New York. Tu me manques.
Je pense que je dois écrire plus en français. Quand je retourne à New York, je ne parlerai jamais français encore. Je crois. Je sais pas. Il est trois heures moin quart. Je dois dormir.
Ciao.
After talking to Daniel, I realized I'm so out of the loop, I hate yet absolutely love it. I want to make new friends. Fuck. I think it's going to happen.
50 days until New York. And New York University. I'm really excited. Je te viens, New York. Tu me manques.
Je pense que je dois écrire plus en français. Quand je retourne à New York, je ne parlerai jamais français encore. Je crois. Je sais pas. Il est trois heures moin quart. Je dois dormir.
Ciao.
Lonely?
So, I've fallen into this scheduled lifestyle once again. No more spontaneity. Is this wrong? I think so. I want to live a life of freedom and excitement. But I don't know how. Finding a job, being financially secure, finding an apartment, finding an internship, doing well in classes--I don't know if I can balance my life. Am I thinking too much or is this just another case of overthinking my life?
Paris will go on without me. New York has gone on without me. My family has already forgotten me. What do I do? There are times I just want to disappear to the world and live a new life. I think my chance was supposed to be Paris, but I've.. failed. I still continue to make an effort in making my life more interesting but if it's so difficult, should I keep going? My luck continues to falter. Or rather, my nonexistence of luck continues to strive. I'd give anything to be lucky or find a way to enjoy the life I have. I love Paris. It's already April. My newfound independence will soon disappear. I want to go back to New York, but I know I'll miss Paris.
My brain doesn't seem to function the way it should. I overthink everyone's actions, everyone's thoughts. It might be too much. My head can't stop hurting. I think this weird emotional post is brought on by the conversation I had with my mother today. I don't talk to my mother. We don't have a good relationship. She likes to think we do, but I know we don't. She updates me on their amazing lives and my brother's selfishness and my sister's successes. They don't need me. I know. I've already fulfilled the part of their lives I was supposed to. I just need to find a life where someone might need me.
I'm lonely. I love being by myself, but sometimes without a shoulder to lean on, I find myself extremely disheartened. All my life, I've been surrounded by crowds and masses of people only to find, I am completely alone.
Paris will go on without me. New York has gone on without me. My family has already forgotten me. What do I do? There are times I just want to disappear to the world and live a new life. I think my chance was supposed to be Paris, but I've.. failed. I still continue to make an effort in making my life more interesting but if it's so difficult, should I keep going? My luck continues to falter. Or rather, my nonexistence of luck continues to strive. I'd give anything to be lucky or find a way to enjoy the life I have. I love Paris. It's already April. My newfound independence will soon disappear. I want to go back to New York, but I know I'll miss Paris.
My brain doesn't seem to function the way it should. I overthink everyone's actions, everyone's thoughts. It might be too much. My head can't stop hurting. I think this weird emotional post is brought on by the conversation I had with my mother today. I don't talk to my mother. We don't have a good relationship. She likes to think we do, but I know we don't. She updates me on their amazing lives and my brother's selfishness and my sister's successes. They don't need me. I know. I've already fulfilled the part of their lives I was supposed to. I just need to find a life where someone might need me.
I'm lonely. I love being by myself, but sometimes without a shoulder to lean on, I find myself extremely disheartened. All my life, I've been surrounded by crowds and masses of people only to find, I am completely alone.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
The falling out.
So, after vacation for two weeks with my "best friend", she begins to ignore me. I don't understand why while my friend from home begins, or rather, continues to flake out on me, and my gay friend has disappeared. What do I do? Schoolwork is beginning to pile because I haven't done any since I've gotten here, and my funds are extremely low. Why do I make terrible choices? So this girl is a big problem because I don't know what I've done wrong. Her best friend from home visits, and not wanting to upset her, I wait till she leaves before I confront her. Her answer is 'nothing, I just don't feel like going out too much, I'm short on money, I thought you'd get the wrong idea' whilst she continues to go out everyday and spend mad cash. Alright. She's angry, she won't tell me, I'll leave it be. Don't want any high school drama in my life. Few days later, her best gay friend pisses her off, and me wanting to talk to him to be a good friend to both of them, gets pushed and harassed by this boy and ends up getting on her good side. What the fuck? Messed up. I ignore her. She gets angry and posts passive aggressive facebook status'. Alright, I try to be nice for the sake of it. I've found new friends to hang out with, ones I've had but have been distant from because this girl's been dragging me everywhere.
Julia, Silvie, Olivia, and Sofia have been my chill buddies. Julia's boyfriend is mad chill and they're just great friends to me now, overall. I regret not seeing her more often. Anyhow, this is really all over the place. Since we've gotten back, I've been doing most of the work for my Ethnography project which is pissing me off because I know I hate working in large groups because of the uneven work distribution yet I allowed this to happen. Fuck. I've had papers due, a sickness that I'm still trying to get over [I think it's a reoccurring bronchitis], a 10 page research paper I need to get started on, two 10-minute videos for video production class, and the 20 minute documentary for Ethnography. Fuck my life. It's not difficult, but it's a lot. I hate bullshit work.
On another note, my old roommate, Mimi and my friend Molly visited from Florence. I gave then a huge tour of Paris, although I never really thought about meals, and went out every night. They had a good time, as did I. Although after I left, I realized how much I liked to be alone. Haha. Oops. I have this problem with people. I don't think I could even maintain a relationship with a man or ever get married. Hmm. Friends are okay. I don't see them every day.
So it's daylight savings time in Paris. One hour ahead. Shit. Lost an hour. Slept over Julia and Jeremy's last night. Had good Chinese food today in Chinatown and found soy sauce for cooking. Baller. And lost 2 from writing these posts. What do I do? Oh well. I don't know what else to write except I can't stop thinking about one thing. Fuck my life. And it's not sex. Thanks. Off to do homework, or attempt to.
Julia, Silvie, Olivia, and Sofia have been my chill buddies. Julia's boyfriend is mad chill and they're just great friends to me now, overall. I regret not seeing her more often. Anyhow, this is really all over the place. Since we've gotten back, I've been doing most of the work for my Ethnography project which is pissing me off because I know I hate working in large groups because of the uneven work distribution yet I allowed this to happen. Fuck. I've had papers due, a sickness that I'm still trying to get over [I think it's a reoccurring bronchitis], a 10 page research paper I need to get started on, two 10-minute videos for video production class, and the 20 minute documentary for Ethnography. Fuck my life. It's not difficult, but it's a lot. I hate bullshit work.
On another note, my old roommate, Mimi and my friend Molly visited from Florence. I gave then a huge tour of Paris, although I never really thought about meals, and went out every night. They had a good time, as did I. Although after I left, I realized how much I liked to be alone. Haha. Oops. I have this problem with people. I don't think I could even maintain a relationship with a man or ever get married. Hmm. Friends are okay. I don't see them every day.
So it's daylight savings time in Paris. One hour ahead. Shit. Lost an hour. Slept over Julia and Jeremy's last night. Had good Chinese food today in Chinatown and found soy sauce for cooking. Baller. And lost 2 from writing these posts. What do I do? Oh well. I don't know what else to write except I can't stop thinking about one thing. Fuck my life. And it's not sex. Thanks. Off to do homework, or attempt to.
Adventures.
So, it's been a while. I thought I'd keep track of my travels, but no. Having too much fun. Down to 200 dollars. Fuck.
Starting back in February, I didn't worry much about school or money. Big mistake. When Ben, Susie, and Gwen came, I must've spent mad money. This was all the end of February too. But, earlier February was even worse, les amis at the moose didn't like, or know me well enough to give me free drinks, and the one man who gave me free drinks left. Therefore, spendage. From $2600 in February, I am down to $700 of which I can only spend $200 more. I'm considering the lottery, although I do have the worst luck in the world. Why I say this is, because also, in February, my wallet was stolen with my driver's license, credits cards, insurance cards, apartment keys, my actual home in the states keys, copy of my passport, etc. all in this little wallet. Some asshole stole it from me causing me to panic. Of course right? Normale. But even then, I had to pay 250 Euros for a lock replacement and 100 euros on the phone bill to make calls to all places in the states to cancel my credit cards and order new ones. Fuck my life. Probably one of the worse nights here.
However, the good times did indeed, roll. I got close with this girl from California, I would like to call her my best friend of the moment, and we chilled Tuesday through Friday. Nonstop. I had so much fun, the schoolwork was nonexistent, I mean Paris. Why not? So we had fun, spent money, and went on Spring break! Barcelona to Paris to the Canary Islands.
Barcelona was beautiful.
We arrived at night and had falafel. First thing. Mind you, this girl is a vegetarian so this trip was kind of difficult for me, eating fried chickpeas and fries everyday. Well not everyday, but you get what I mean. Too much of something I don't eat too often isn't cool. But we were sick the first two days so things were slow. We slept in and stayed in a lot. And then I had some bad seafood paella. Blegh. Never again. So two days of nothing, then the third day, things started to look up. I met up with my group partners in Plaza de la Catalunya so we could go make our documentary video for our Ethnography class. Of course, they were late, but we made it to the restaurant. Got our interviews, ate some tapas. It was good. Then we took a metro to some stop then walked past the Gaudi-designed house. Pretty baller. 
Headed back to my hostel/their apartment and planned a small walk. I went back to drop off my film equipment to find my friend still dying in bed. I left her so she could continue to rest and headed to Las Ramblas. Got some gelato and headed toward the beach. It was around the time for Carnaval, so there were lotsss of people dressed up like crazies. It was cool. I dug it. =) So we walked to the pier but couldn't find the beach so we just walked around the pier, saw a mall, took come pictures of the water and headed back to the hostel. When I got back, I found my friend better and nourished. [She snuck out for Falafel...again.] So we got ready and headed out. We went to Silvie and friend's apartment. Started drinking there, played some new random games. [Pterodactyl and some weird version of Big Booty and Jigglypuff.] Who knows. Anyhow, headed out for even MORE falafel, then headed to the travel bar. My friend and I ditched everyone else because well, they ditched us. So we drank at the Travel Bar, got in a fight with some old Irish men trying to bag on the states and how we had a huge role in the economic recession. I wanted to kill him so I just ignored at the end. So time for the girl's name, I can't type 'my friend' anymore. I guess she'll never see this. Bree courted a man whilst I argued. The bartender who was 17. Wow. No judgment. But he was in love with her, it was interesting, and we headed to the following bar next door, Cheers. We had some fun times there. Met a group of men there for a bachelor's party. They bought us drinks. All good. We headed on home and the end. Next day we just explored the Boqueria market [my favorite part of Barcelona, I went everyday] bought fruit and food and walked to the beach. Actually found it this time, after getting in a fight over taking some weird bicycle cab, had some bad chinese food and went to the travel bar again. This night was infinitely better although travel bar seems to be a place for argument. I got in a fight with a Spaniard about frankly, I don't even know. People like to yell at me. Fuck. So, Bree talked to el bartender again then headed next door. We met these 3 boys, one of which was gay, and hung out with them. We were going to go to their bar in their hostel, but it was closed, so we ended up going to a, get this, Spanish speakeasy. What the fuck?! It was ill. We went up, played never have I ever, got offered to have sex in the bathroom, and made new friends. Crazy night. I regret not exploring outside of the Las Ramblas area. But overall good visit.
Back to Paris. Susie Q, Ben, and Gwen stayed with me. Brought them to Mix. Payed mad money. Got kissed by some drunk bastard, got grabbed, the usual. Fuck. So, we did some touristy things during the day but nothing exciting. I brought them to the moose, naturally, and introduced them to my friends. My friend [gaymanwhoididn'tknowwasgayatfirst] was getting hit on by a friend of ours, although we think he's asexual, and I started looking at another bartender. alsdkfa;owena. Gah. Always bartenders. What am I doing with my life. So Paris was short, 3 days and then off to Madrid for a layover to Canary Islands. In the morning we found Sofia and Julia at the airport, tired and Sofia, hungover. Got some expensive airport nourishment then boarded our plane, and last minute, was joined by Tamer and his boy Yann. I find Yann interesting. Very mature, but keeps his humour intact. I'm a fan. Couldn't sleep on the plane, but only a few hours later we landed.
EXCITED! We ran to the hostel, after taking a few buses, and straight to the beach. Although, we got there late, we still got some sun. Then had some Chinese, amazing how large the portions were then headed back to the hostel. We went out that night. Pretty amazing how no one was out and the owners opened a bar for us. It was cool.
The next day was hectic. Everyone else joined us in the late afternoon at the new hostel. It was called a 'hotel' our room was nice, but smelled septic. Ugh. But better than the last, no complaints. Tried to get some sun in but it was dark so we wandered. Julia and I walked around to find a small park with provinces and countries.
I was a fan. Still a fan. Then walked back home. We stayed in most of the nights because we were all exhausted or planning for the next day. One day we headed to the south of Gran Canaria, Maspalomas. We rode camels and got prime tanning time. It was baller.
We went on a path that jutted out from the lighthouse and, I can't even describe it. I don't even have a picture because I forgot my camera. Gorgeous. The water and the rocks and sun. Just breathtaking. So we left to go home and rest. We ate at this restaurant we frequented right next to the hostel. Had some honey rum shots and decided to go home to get drunk to find that liquor wasn't allowed to be sold past 10pm. Fuck. So we again, just chilled, had a great time. The following day was the second to last day so we decided to once again go to the beach to find it was a rainy and cloudy day. Boo. So we walked around and decided what to do for the night. That night was ridiculous. We went to find Pacha, a club, after pregaming at home, to find ourselves lost. We got stopped by some man who led us to a bar to bring us to an owner of another club, the Moma. Apparently, as my friends said, he took a liking to me, he wouldn't leave me alone and gave us all open bar all night. He even brought us to Pacha to make sure we wouldn't get lost. He again, got us in for free, and to my amazement, open bar at Pacha too. What the fuck. I got scared, tried to break free and joined my friends. I think he eventually left, because I didn't see him again. I don't even know his name. Awkward. So we just danced, but an hour or so later, we were asked to leave for dancing "too sexually." Whatever the fuck that means. There were strippers dancing on tables. We're too sexual? Fuck it. So we left. We stumbled home, don't even know how we got home, and passed out. The next day we were supposed to leave and the girls were going back down to Maspalomas. Thing is, none of us woke up before noon sans hangover. So we stayed in drinking water and talking until 3pm, when we got lunch, got some more water, and left for the airport. The worst hangover of my life. But a great time.
We ended up flying on time to Madrid then Paris. The End of vacation.
Starting back in February, I didn't worry much about school or money. Big mistake. When Ben, Susie, and Gwen came, I must've spent mad money. This was all the end of February too. But, earlier February was even worse, les amis at the moose didn't like, or know me well enough to give me free drinks, and the one man who gave me free drinks left. Therefore, spendage. From $2600 in February, I am down to $700 of which I can only spend $200 more. I'm considering the lottery, although I do have the worst luck in the world. Why I say this is, because also, in February, my wallet was stolen with my driver's license, credits cards, insurance cards, apartment keys, my actual home in the states keys, copy of my passport, etc. all in this little wallet. Some asshole stole it from me causing me to panic. Of course right? Normale. But even then, I had to pay 250 Euros for a lock replacement and 100 euros on the phone bill to make calls to all places in the states to cancel my credit cards and order new ones. Fuck my life. Probably one of the worse nights here.
However, the good times did indeed, roll. I got close with this girl from California, I would like to call her my best friend of the moment, and we chilled Tuesday through Friday. Nonstop. I had so much fun, the schoolwork was nonexistent, I mean Paris. Why not? So we had fun, spent money, and went on Spring break! Barcelona to Paris to the Canary Islands.
Barcelona was beautiful.
We arrived at night and had falafel. First thing. Mind you, this girl is a vegetarian so this trip was kind of difficult for me, eating fried chickpeas and fries everyday. Well not everyday, but you get what I mean. Too much of something I don't eat too often isn't cool. But we were sick the first two days so things were slow. We slept in and stayed in a lot. And then I had some bad seafood paella. Blegh. Never again. So two days of nothing, then the third day, things started to look up. I met up with my group partners in Plaza de la Catalunya so we could go make our documentary video for our Ethnography class. Of course, they were late, but we made it to the restaurant. Got our interviews, ate some tapas. It was good. Then we took a metro to some stop then walked past the Gaudi-designed house. Pretty baller. 
Headed back to my hostel/their apartment and planned a small walk. I went back to drop off my film equipment to find my friend still dying in bed. I left her so she could continue to rest and headed to Las Ramblas. Got some gelato and headed toward the beach. It was around the time for Carnaval, so there were lotsss of people dressed up like crazies. It was cool. I dug it. =) So we walked to the pier but couldn't find the beach so we just walked around the pier, saw a mall, took come pictures of the water and headed back to the hostel. When I got back, I found my friend better and nourished. [She snuck out for Falafel...again.] So we got ready and headed out. We went to Silvie and friend's apartment. Started drinking there, played some new random games. [Pterodactyl and some weird version of Big Booty and Jigglypuff.] Who knows. Anyhow, headed out for even MORE falafel, then headed to the travel bar. My friend and I ditched everyone else because well, they ditched us. So we drank at the Travel Bar, got in a fight with some old Irish men trying to bag on the states and how we had a huge role in the economic recession. I wanted to kill him so I just ignored at the end. So time for the girl's name, I can't type 'my friend' anymore. I guess she'll never see this. Bree courted a man whilst I argued. The bartender who was 17. Wow. No judgment. But he was in love with her, it was interesting, and we headed to the following bar next door, Cheers. We had some fun times there. Met a group of men there for a bachelor's party. They bought us drinks. All good. We headed on home and the end. Next day we just explored the Boqueria market [my favorite part of Barcelona, I went everyday] bought fruit and food and walked to the beach. Actually found it this time, after getting in a fight over taking some weird bicycle cab, had some bad chinese food and went to the travel bar again. This night was infinitely better although travel bar seems to be a place for argument. I got in a fight with a Spaniard about frankly, I don't even know. People like to yell at me. Fuck. So, Bree talked to el bartender again then headed next door. We met these 3 boys, one of which was gay, and hung out with them. We were going to go to their bar in their hostel, but it was closed, so we ended up going to a, get this, Spanish speakeasy. What the fuck?! It was ill. We went up, played never have I ever, got offered to have sex in the bathroom, and made new friends. Crazy night. I regret not exploring outside of the Las Ramblas area. But overall good visit.
Back to Paris. Susie Q, Ben, and Gwen stayed with me. Brought them to Mix. Payed mad money. Got kissed by some drunk bastard, got grabbed, the usual. Fuck. So, we did some touristy things during the day but nothing exciting. I brought them to the moose, naturally, and introduced them to my friends. My friend [gaymanwhoididn'tknowwasgayatfirst] was getting hit on by a friend of ours, although we think he's asexual, and I started looking at another bartender. alsdkfa;owena. Gah. Always bartenders. What am I doing with my life. So Paris was short, 3 days and then off to Madrid for a layover to Canary Islands. In the morning we found Sofia and Julia at the airport, tired and Sofia, hungover. Got some expensive airport nourishment then boarded our plane, and last minute, was joined by Tamer and his boy Yann. I find Yann interesting. Very mature, but keeps his humour intact. I'm a fan. Couldn't sleep on the plane, but only a few hours later we landed.
EXCITED! We ran to the hostel, after taking a few buses, and straight to the beach. Although, we got there late, we still got some sun. Then had some Chinese, amazing how large the portions were then headed back to the hostel. We went out that night. Pretty amazing how no one was out and the owners opened a bar for us. It was cool.The next day was hectic. Everyone else joined us in the late afternoon at the new hostel. It was called a 'hotel' our room was nice, but smelled septic. Ugh. But better than the last, no complaints. Tried to get some sun in but it was dark so we wandered. Julia and I walked around to find a small park with provinces and countries.
I was a fan. Still a fan. Then walked back home. We stayed in most of the nights because we were all exhausted or planning for the next day. One day we headed to the south of Gran Canaria, Maspalomas. We rode camels and got prime tanning time. It was baller.
We went on a path that jutted out from the lighthouse and, I can't even describe it. I don't even have a picture because I forgot my camera. Gorgeous. The water and the rocks and sun. Just breathtaking. So we left to go home and rest. We ate at this restaurant we frequented right next to the hostel. Had some honey rum shots and decided to go home to get drunk to find that liquor wasn't allowed to be sold past 10pm. Fuck. So we again, just chilled, had a great time. The following day was the second to last day so we decided to once again go to the beach to find it was a rainy and cloudy day. Boo. So we walked around and decided what to do for the night. That night was ridiculous. We went to find Pacha, a club, after pregaming at home, to find ourselves lost. We got stopped by some man who led us to a bar to bring us to an owner of another club, the Moma. Apparently, as my friends said, he took a liking to me, he wouldn't leave me alone and gave us all open bar all night. He even brought us to Pacha to make sure we wouldn't get lost. He again, got us in for free, and to my amazement, open bar at Pacha too. What the fuck. I got scared, tried to break free and joined my friends. I think he eventually left, because I didn't see him again. I don't even know his name. Awkward. So we just danced, but an hour or so later, we were asked to leave for dancing "too sexually." Whatever the fuck that means. There were strippers dancing on tables. We're too sexual? Fuck it. So we left. We stumbled home, don't even know how we got home, and passed out. The next day we were supposed to leave and the girls were going back down to Maspalomas. Thing is, none of us woke up before noon sans hangover. So we stayed in drinking water and talking until 3pm, when we got lunch, got some more water, and left for the airport. The worst hangover of my life. But a great time.We ended up flying on time to Madrid then Paris. The End of vacation.
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